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An essay my friend wrote...

cringemaster

By cringemaster,
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cringemaster
cringemaster
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Posted

My friend sent this essay to me and wrote it while he was high. It makes no sense, but Numberzz really wanted to read it and pidgin wasnt able to transfer the file properly. So here you go.

 

This essay like many others is about the authors life. But unlike their essays, my essay is actual truth even though at times it may seem to crazy for reality. But the your main character is about me, Joe Fallon. I was born in Baltimore Maryland. From the first day of my pitiful excistance theres been something crazy going on. My first adventure didn't happen coming out of the womb, I was sleeping soundly till I was being driven home from the hospital. So while we were driving through the cold, dark hood of Baltimore there were gun shots. It woke me up and the first thing I saw was some Bloods and Crips shooting each other. To make things even worse we were stopped at a long traffic light. So there I was, sitting in the back seat watching bloods and crips shoot eachother. After about 12 bloods and 5 crips died a couple of Latin Kings came out of no where and chopped all the Bloods and Crips and set it on fire. That 10 second traffic light was the first thing to scare my mind. So as far back as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a gangster. (Note the Goodfellas quote). On the ride home I some how developed some sort of super baby genius knowledge and replaced my car seat with a teddy bear and I hopped out the door. I went back to the city and joined Crips in my hood. So I spent my first 7 years of school Crippin, selling drugs, sipping on gin and juice with Snoop Dogg. But when I became 7 Snoop Dogg told me I had to go back with my family and get an education because I was white and I can't make it in the hood. So I took my blue bandana, my chain, my thousands of dollars I obtained from selling drugs, and hood attitude and went to my parents house in suburbia.

 

After getting dropped off by Snoop Dogg I snuck into my room and took my parents back. When I went down stairs to see them for the first time in 7 years then asked me if I got a hair cut. I guess they aren't the most observant parents around. But mom told me that today was my first day of school. So I got all the things I thought would be needed at school. I brought some drugs, a scale, money, and my gun. My first day of school didn't go well and neither did the first couple days but by the fourth week of school I had imported guns and diamonds coming in through the schools loading dock and instead of teaching kids valuable things we were having sell it to other people at a high value to make money but the school board didn't complain. After 4 years of no education the school was the richest school in the nation. We had the most high tech and fancy school on earth. The school quit the black market game after I left. They couldn't handle it. So now I was on my way to middle school. But the sad thing is is that I don't remember very much of my life until I was just out of high school. It was all that hanging out with Snoop dog through middle school and high school that did it. Well I went to collage and figured id settle down early and meet a nice woman to marry. The next week I found Margret. We got married 3 months later. So after getting married and settleing down I got my big powerful job that paid money and my life stayed at home and worked in the kitchen all day. Well after a a couple months of that fantasy relationship something happened, my wife was on the toilet and she fell in. Nobody knew where she went. After I got home from work and went to find her she was no where to be found. I looked in the bathroom to find a big puddle of water and no Margret. I decided id jump in the toilet too! Splash!!

 

I jumped in the toilet wearing a business suit and fall out a big green tube wearing a red suite and blue overalls. I looked around and saw a big turtle guy with Margret and they were flying away to a big castle on a big scary mountain thats almost impossible to reach. But something seemed different about me when I was in that world. I had to save Margret. She was my love, my destiny!! Well after doing the smart thing and skipping all the smaller castles with the other enemies, I found Bowser's big evil scary castle. I walked in, crossed a couple lava pits, took a few mushrooms, took a few flowers, took a few coins, and found yoshi, and then finally found Bowser. BAM! SHASH! BOOM!! I killed bowser and Margret was mine again! But she didn't look happy. She did look nice in her crown, and her multi-million coin dress and her amazing rings and diamonds though. She told me she was mad because I killed the only man that made her happy! So she took to many mushrooms and got to big and exploded. I left and went home. After seeing a psychologist and a lawyer here I was being sued for the death of my wife. I was charged with killing and burying my wife somewhere. They found poopy evidence and fingernail marks on the wall. I was sentenced to 25 years in jail.

 

After being in jail for 15 years I got let out on probation and I was a sort of free man! While I was in jail I talked to Snoop Dogg and he said I could stay at his crib till I got some money and a job. I got a job as a police officer for the same hood as Snoop Dogg ironically but my hood gangster g's didn't like it. They told me that they know it isn't a good idea and that it will end horribly. Well after telling him that I get paid 100,000 dollars a year because I'm a police officer in the hood he shut up. So thats how it was, I was a police officer and a hood gangster g. I had it made. I would wake up in the morning count my money, get the guns and stuff ready for my gangsters to use while im at work, skittadle, come home, get money, shoot people, eat pie and go to sleep. It was like that for years. And I couldn't be a happier white boy in my air forces. I wanted a mate so I went on the 24th season of “A shot at love with Tila Tequellia” because I knew she would find love from me. Well ironically enough I was the 24th winner of the show and out of the 24 winners I was the 2nd guy. The first was Chuck Norris. She hasn't found a guy who is “the one” yet but I think I can show her some love. Me and her got married in Hong Kong and our wedding was Pokemon themed. We had 4 kids and got a huge mansion in the same hood as my crip gangstas because even though me and my wife have enough money to live in a mansion in Hollywood, I'm from the hood and I gotta keep it hood for my gangstas. Well me and her loved each other and kept it hood. Things were perfect.

 

About a month after things were “perfect” things went to hell. A bunch of bloods came in my house and killed my whole family and stole everything I owned. And I was the cop stationed to catch those thieves. I wasn't going to go show any mercy. I wanted to shoot them all. We'll me and my partner found where they're hide out was. Me and 5 other cops rushed the place to find out that it wasn't any bloods it was my crip gangster g's who did it! I was crushed. But like I said I would I shot him and every one of his homie g skillet's. None of the cops filed a report because I was white and a cop so nothing was said. But in honor of my homies I got a tear drop tattoo on my eye to show that I killed somebody and that I was hardcore. I died of rat poisoning in my cereal box three years later.

 

(If you read this joe i just had to.)

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Numberzz
Numberzz
Posted
Posted

If you think that's bad, look at what ResX did when he was high. He started doing something odd. I am Numberzz!, and he is Nick.

 

10:15:24 PM Nick: iphone

10:15:46 PM Nick: ignorant people hate original nice eloquence

10:16:17 PM Nick: adium

10:16:33 PM Nick: {censored}s do immature underlying men

 

10:23:46 PM Numberzz!: imac

10:23:57 PM Numberzz!: i made another cum

10:24:19 PM Nick: i make {censored}s cry

 

10:24:36 PM Nick: high

10:24:57 PM Nick: hangover is good hell

 

10:35:35 PM Nick: food

10:35:52 PM Nick: four ordinary orangutans died

10:35:57 PM Nick: numbuzzzzzzzz

10:36:02 PM Nick: NUMBUZZZZZZZZZ

10:36:07 PM Numberzz!: ;l

10:36:16 PM Nick: IM GONNA GO RAPE MY BEDM GOODNIGHT

10:36:38 PM Numberzz!: what is a BEDM

 

I feel like Panic! at the Emo when there is an exclamation point after my name.

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